Interview With Dating Coach Nick Notas

When you need help with your physique, you get a coach. When you need to get better at a musical instrument, you get a coach. Why on earth should it be any different when you need some help improving your romantic life? Well, today’s interview guest feels like it shouldn’t be—and we’re inclined to agree.

Our Matt Seymour sat down with professional dating coach Nick Notas to discuss what he does, why men may need a dating coach, what dating in Boston is like (where his practice is located), and so much more. If you’ve ever wanted to pull back the curtain and see what the world of dating coaching is really like, today is your lucky day.

If you’re interested in learning more about Nick and his services, you can click here to visit his website.

Matt Seymour:

Hi everybody, this is Matt from Healthy Framework Today. I’m super excited to be joined by dating coach Nick Notas. Nick, thank you so much for joining.

Nickolas Notas:

Thanks for having me, Matt.

Matt Seymour:

Yeah, absolutely. Nick, let’s jump right into it. Can you start off by telling us a little bit about your company and what it is you do?

Nickolas Notas:

Yeah, my company is just my name, nicknotas.com, and I’m a dating and confidence coach primarily for men. And it’s been something I’ve been doing for 16 years and just trying to help men understand how to navigate the dating world, meet people, handle themselves well on dates and build meaningful connections.

Matt Seymour:

That’s great. And 16 years, man, that’s a lot of time for you to really build up the skillset and I’m sure see a lot of different use cases and things there with it.

Nickolas Notas:

Yeah, I’m old, man.

Matt Seymour:

Me too. So there are obviously a lot of dating coaches offering services out there. What would you say sets you apart from other dating coaches?

Nickolas Notas:

Yeah. I get this a lot and I think it comes down to few things. One, I tend to think the inside out rather than the outside in. So a lot of dating coaches, when I was doing this early in my career, they really focused on teaching you, okay, here’s some good ideas and you need to mold your personality specifically this way. And I thought about it in the sense of great, there’s some fantastic ideas of how to present yourself, what are good social skills and so forth, but how do you apply that to your personality and kind of integrate it to who you are?

Because I think that’s actually what builds real connection and what builds real confidence. The other things I think about are too, I have a lot of real world experience, so this was more common when I started, and not to knock anyone currently, but it feels like a lot of the people right now are like, cool. I read a lot about this stuff. I’ve had some relationships. So I feel like I want to share my insight, which is great. But I also think it’s nice to have real world experience where I’ve been going out in almost 30 countries, taking guys out in the real world, experimenting, saying, hey, how does this work?

How does this respond in different areas? And kind of getting that real feedback that makes it a little bit more nuanced in my opinion. And last but not least, I don’t hate women and I don’t hate on men either. And I find that also to be quite polarizing in the industry right now in the sense of you have to take one side. You have to be like, this is all this person’s fault or these people’s fault. And I take the stance of that doesn’t really help any of us be productive and we’re all trying to figure this out. We all struggle, we all have problems, we all try to navigate this in our own way.

And I think that it’s complicated and the best way is to figure out how to do that together rather than to divide us as cheesy as that may be.

Matt Seymour:

No. That makes sense and that’s really good color and you kind of helped tee up my next question because you talked about the different countries and how things might respond differently in different locations. And I know that now at this point you reside in Boston, so we would imagine a lot of your clients are coming from that area. Would you say is there anything unique about dating in Boston specifically?

Nickolas Notas:

Yeah. I think the old cliche is true in the sense of we are not the warmest people immediately. But what people don’t understand is that we’re quite nice and quite warm once you kind of crack that shell a bit. But kind of cities like New York and Seattle, we put up a tough exterior. And so I think that if you’re coming here, you kind of got to get used to that. You got to not take it personally. If people are a bit more reserved or they feel like they’re even a bit sarcastic at times, it doesn’t … In fact, it might mean that they’re actually open to liking you.

It’s have to not again, take it so personally. If I go to New Orleans or something, it’s like everybody’s like, hey, how you doing? Everybody’s saying hi, and you walk around Boston, nobody’s randomly saying hi to you. Let alone you hold the door for somebody, most people might not even say thank you. And it’s just the way it is. And so with that being said, I think that you can go out and do nightlife and meet people out in the night and even during your daily life, and I think that’s fantastic.

But because people are a bit more apprehensive, I think Boston is a great city to kind of do more social things and meet people within that. We have so many things going on, so many arts clubs, shows, everything like that, that if you are integrated into some scene and you meet somebody from that means, they kind of feel like you’re already part of their tribe and they’re a lot more immediately accepting. So it doesn’t mean you can’t go out and meet people randomly, but I think if you’re in Boston, we have so much to do of so many different types that you should also try to get involved in some kind of events or classes or something like that.

Matt Seymour:

No, that makes sense. And that’s good color, especially if somebody’s watching this is newer to Boston or maybe heading to Boston and just not sure, maybe like you said, coming from the South or something where it is a bit more warm and welcome. So it’s some good color, I think, on potential differences there. So thank you for that. So switching gears a little bit, something that we see a lot of people struggling with or I guess they’re struggling with dating, but they don’t think they need a coach. What would you say to someone like that?

Nickolas Notas:

I’ll give you my controversial answer. You might not need one. And I’m honest about that. I think that I always made it a goal early in this industry to give away everything free as possible in terms of the best advice I could put out, the best practical exercises, insights. Nothing is behind any kind of a paywall or anything like that because I think this is how we build a better life for everybody. And so there is more than enough content out there to do things on your own, to learn how to build these skills, to learn to be more confident.

And if you feel like you can do that and you’re accountable and you can reflect and you can put in the hard work, then you don’t need a coach. I think where a coach really benefits is if you’re somebody who needs a bit of accountability, you have some blind spots that you really can’t figure out or you just like to accelerate the process. I think that it doesn’t always have to be a negative, like, oh, I’m struggling so much, I need a coach. But actually proactive. The same way we would get a tutor in a musical instrument or in playing a sport, I think if you’re like, great, I want somebody who has the insight, who can read my situation, who can tell me exactly what I should focus on, that’s kind of the best scenario is for getting a coach.

Matt Seymour:

Yeah. I love that. And that’s a unique opinion because I’ve done quite a few of these interviews and often it’s like, well no, you do need one, but I kind of like your stance. Maybe you do, maybe you don’t necessarily. So I like that. I think it’s a good honest answer with it.

Nickolas Notas:

And I’m like, try it out. I love that millions of people have read my work and so many people are like, hey, I found my wife and all this. And it’s like, great, I didn’t do anything except for you took some of those ideas and put it into play. And I think that’s really powerful and I won’t go on too much of rant, but I also feel that way in sales and in getting people to work with you. So you said that about other coaches may feel differently. I’m kind of anti-selling in that regard. I’d rather understand someone and invite them and be like, cool, if we want to work together, I think I can help you with this stuff, but you don’t need me.

I’m never going to make somebody be like, well, if you don’t know this, you’ll never get the secret tactic or you’ll always be alone. I just don’t think that’s realistic.

Matt Seymour:

Yeah. No, that’s definitely much more my style as well, so I appreciate that. It’s kind of a breath of fresh air with it there.

Nickolas Notas:

Thanks, man.

Matt Seymour:

And again, switching gears a little bit, what would you say is the most challenging part about being a dating coach?

Nickolas Notas:

Being patient. When I started this, I wanted everybody to swing big and succeed as fast as possible. And that’s still the goal, try to get people to grow as efficiently as possible, but we’re human. We have insecurities. We have fears. We have doubts. We have different challenges. And so learning to be patient when people are struggling or nervous or don’t understand something and not wanting to just push forward and also dump so much on them. Say, hey, let’s focus on these two things and do it really well, then let me teach you all these things and good luck.

So just being more mindful of that and also approaching it with that same level with care in terms of telling people, not trying to push again so much on them. You need to do this and this and this and this, but understanding how much to give and finding that balance so that they have the best flow.

Matt Seymour:

Yeah. No, that’s a really good way to look at it. And then now I want to flip it on the inverse there and see what would you say is the most rewarding part about being a dating coach?

Nickolas Notas:

Seeing them find their own version of happiness. So you could say back in the day, I would love to see the external metrics always, which I still want again to happen. But it’s like, oh my God, they got five dates, they did this. That’s fantastic. But at this point in my life, I’m like, I also like that you are finding more of a lifestyle that you enjoy, that you feel better in your own skin, that you’re able to relate from an authentic standpoint that you understand and empathize with people differently and all the growth.

And if they come to me and they’re like, you know what? A lot of times I think as a dating coach and probably other dating coaches have told you this, people grow in ways that you don’t expect. It’s not just getting dates. It’s like I’m a better communicator. I’m better with my parents and the relationship I have with them. I have the courage to find a new job. And those things always surprise me. So it doesn’t matter if somebody says, I got these results. As long as they feel that they’re growing and happy, it’s pretty inspiring, man.

And I’ll be honest, when somebody says I got married or I’m getting married is always pretty sweet, man, to know that you had that level of impact on somebody.

Matt Seymour:

Yeah, I can imagine. It’s great that you have almost different tiers of things, seeing the personal progression all the way up to a relationship or the ultimate marriage or whatever the case is for that client. That’s awesome. Good feedback.

Nickolas Notas:

Totally. And that’s not the end goal. Some people just want to keep things casual and that’s cool too.

Matt Seymour:

Yeah, that makes sense. So what would you say is the biggest issue that you see with people that you work with? And then kind of a follow-up to that is, has that changed in response to the pandemic?

Nickolas Notas:

Yeah. I would say it’s the confidence to either meet people, whether that’s in person or online or the confidence to express their romantic intentions. Those are two of the main things that people come to me for, and that also encompasses the skills on doing those things. And honestly, I felt what changed in the pandemic is okay, right before the pandemic online dating just kept growing and growing and growing and everybody’s succumbing to cool, this is the way we’re going to meet people and going out and meeting people is less and less common.

And then the pandemic pandemic happened and everybody had to do online dating. And then in a lot of ways everybody kind of got sick of it and is like, whoa, now that the ability to even be around people was taken away from me, I’m starting to see how important that is to my life. And I actually see a little bit of a counter movement of people like, I don’t want to be doing only online dating. I really want to be going out and trying things. People that I never saw consistently. I have a lot of engineers and software devs that are a bit more introverted and now I would say the majority of them are like, yeah, I’m doing online dating, but ideally I would like to meet somebody in person.

And I felt like that was really going down, pandemic happened and now people are like, whoa, it’s okay to be in the real world with people. It’s healthy, it’s normal, and I probably want it for myself.

Matt Seymour:

Yeah, that makes sense. I mean, I think we all, as the pandemic was easing yearned or I think most folks yearned for human interaction in all sorts of forms, friends, dating, family and things just because for so long we were quarantined or staying apart with things. So no, that’s an excellent observation on your part there. So to close this out, we want to give you the chance to share a piece of advice so that people can see how you approach things. What is a piece of advice that you would want to give someone dating as it relates to social media?

Nickolas Notas:

As it relates to social media? I mean, I’m going to sound like the old person in the room, but I think that your worth is not dictated by the amount of response you get from social media. And I think that’s really hard to detach from, and I think it’s only going to get worse with you’re brought up in that age now. I was right on the cusp of that, but I wasn’t like eight-years-old and using it. Combined with using filters and AI and making everything perfect and everybody kind of all encompassing, I think understanding that almost any external metric like that largely won’t make you feel good about yourself.

It’s not going to make you love yourself. And so you still got to find a way to do that, respect your own values, learn how to speak your mind, get out in the real world and not just say, how good is my online presence, and that equates to how great I am to other people.

Matt Seymour:

Yeah, I think that’s a great piece of advice. I feel like I’m an older man like you, at least, in terms of the stance there, so I don’t disagree. I think that was an amazing take on it. So that’s perfect.

Nickolas Notas:

Thank you, man. Thank you.

Matt Seymour:

Yeah. Well, Nick, thank you so much for joining. Really appreciate having the chance to learn a little bit more about you and the business, and we’re excited to check in. Maybe we’ll do another one of these in three or six months, but we are so thankful for your time. Thank you so much for joining today.

Nickolas Notas:

It was my pleasure and fantastic questions, man. I appreciate it.

Matt Seymour:

Not a problem. Thank you, Nick.