Why Can’t I Get a Girlfriend?

By: Jason Lee

You’re frustrated. You’re confused. We get it. Everyone else seems to be able to get a girlfriend, but for some reason, it always seems to allude you. Is something wrong with you? Are you doing something wrong? Are you looking in the wrong spots?

Here’s the first piece of good news we have for you today. You’re not alone. Men all over the globe ask every single day—why can’t I get a girlfriend?

Today, we want to dig into this topic. We want to start by looking at some possible reasons you might be struggling to find someone special. And then we want to talk about some potential solutions.

Are you going to magically find a gf as soon as you finish reading this article? Probably not. However, we’re hoping that the information you get from this guide will finally put the why can’t I get a girlfriend question to rest for good. Then you can head out there with some new ideas and resources to find that special woman you’re looking for.

Smiling girl on her phone laying on a bed

Everyone and Every Situation is Different

Real quick, before we get into things, we want to make something clear. Everyone and every situation when it comes to dating is different. What this means is that the reason you’re struggling might be different from the reason another guy reading this is having troubles. When you read this guide and tips, be honest with yourself, and look for the tips and reasons that pertain to you.

Reasons Why You Can’t Get a Girlfriend

Alright. It’s time to get into the meat and potatoes of the article. One last disclaimer—none of this is shared to make you feel crummy. We’re not trying to make you feel guilty for not being able to get a gf. Just because you haven’t had success yet doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you. The idea of sharing this is to help you identify the reasons you’re having trouble so you can look for solutions to remedy the situation.

You Need to Be More Patient

As men, we want things on our schedule. It’s in our nature. The problem, though, is that finding love or finding a gf is not a simple task. You’re not looking for a new protein powder to try or a new belt to wear. You’re looking for another person to spend your quality time with and share your emotions with.

Too often, guys gets upset they can’t find a girlfriend after a few weeks or event a few months. Guess what? It can take longer than that, even for the most awesome of dudes. In fact, the more awesome of a dude you are, the more important it is that you match with a compatible lady (and less ladies who will be good enough for you).  

Guys with less to offer can match with pretty much anyone. But if you’re a rad dude, you need an equally rad lady. That may take some time. If this sounds like it’s you, don’t get jaded and be a bit more patient with things. And don’t forget to keep reading because we do have a fully dedicated solutions section later on in the article.

You’re Not Looking In the Right Places

If you keep looking in the same spots, at the same bars, and around the same group of friends for someone special, you can’t really expect anything to magically change. They say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.

What you may need is a fresh infusion of places to look for women. One of the best places to spread your wings and try is online dating. If you’ve tried already (but you’re only trying the free sites), that could be your problem. If you’re serious about finding a girlfriend, you may want to consider investing a few bucks into a premium membership.

If you’re thinking about it, you don’t have to jump in headfirst. You can actually take advantage of free trial accounts. We were going to get to these in the solutions section of the article, but here you go. Because if this is you, you need to get around some new women to see results asap.

RankSiteFree Trial Link 
#1ZooskFree Trial
#2eHarmonyFree Trial
#3The LeagueFree Trial
#4JdateFree Trial
#5Christian MingleFree Trial

You’re Not Being Realistic

For clarity before we get into this, we don’t believe in “leagues” for men and women. We think that anyone has the potential to date anyone that’s a good match. That being said, the rest of the world doesn’t agree with us. There are a lot of women out there who believe they can only date guys who look a certain way, have a certain job, or make a certain amount of money.

And while this sucks, guess what? It’s great for you because you don’t want anything to do with these women anyways. Here’s why we bring it up, though. If you are constantly chasing women who have unreal expectations for the men they date (that you don’t meet), you aren’t going to have a lot of luck.

There are no women who are out of your league. However, there are going to be women who believe in leagues who you shouldn’t waste your time on. Unfortunately, this is a big reason why a lot of men can’t find girlfriends. Chase after quality women who are open to dating anyone they click with and not just guys who meet their checklists.

You’re Too Desperate (And It Shows)

There is nothing wrong with wanting a girlfriend. There is also nothing wrong with really wanting a gf really badly. Where the problem comes in is if that starts to show to the ladies you’re talking to. Women don’t want to date desperate men. And if you’re treating every women like she’s your last shot to find love on Earth, you’re not going to have much luck.

This is a bit of a deep topic for us to cover here today, but here’s a general takeaway. Have respect for yourself. Treat women with respect too, but don’t put them on some pedestal like they’re better than you. If you’re treating women like they’re better than you, you’re doing it wrong. If you’re letting women do things that are rude and disrespectful just because they’re attractive and you want to date them, you’re doing it wrong.

You don’t have to be mean or play any games. But if a woman doesn’t give you the respect you deserve, don’t stand for it. Women don’t want to date a doormat.  

You’re Not Taking Care of Yourself

Are you doing the things you need to do to take care of yourself both physically and mentally? If you’re not, that can be something that’s pretty unattractive to people. We’re not saying you need to spend 8 hours in the gym every day and make weekly trips to the spa. However, you should be doing the simple things necessary to take care of yourself.

We’re talking things like showering regularly, making sure you clothes are clean (and ironed), brushing your teeth, fixing your hair, working out at least a few times a week, and everything else that comes with being a normal part of society.

For a lot of men, the reason why they can’t get a girlfriend is because no one wants to date someone who can’t even take care of themselves. How should a woman expect you to help care for her when you can’t do it for yourself?

Again, we share all of this out of a place of love. If you’re missing the mark in this area, it’s never too late to make a change and we’ll share some ways you can further down in this article.

Solutions to Why You Can’t Get a Girlfriend

Did you think we were just going to tell you what was wrong and call it a day? That’s not how we roll at Healthy Framework! Now that we’ve talked about some of the common reasons why you can’t get a girlfriend, it’s time to talk about how to fix it.

Problem: You Need to Be More Patient

Patience is not something that you’re going to learn overnight. And out of the reasons here why you might be struggling to find a girlfriend, this is one of the toughest to fix. All the other problems on this list have actionable steps you can take to get control of the situation. This one? It requires you to do nothing, which can be way harder than it sounds.

That being said, there are things you can do to help. Here are a few suggestions to help you be more patient when trying to find a gf.

  • Realize you’re waiting for something important. Get behind the fact that it’s important you find the right girl and not just any girl to fill a slot. This mindset can be the key to accepting things taking a bit longer than you’d ideally like.
  • Take a step back and realistically look at how long it’s been that you’ve been actively looking. It might not be as long as you think.
  • Compare the time you’ve been waiting and how much effort you’re putting in. Have you really been actively putting in work to find someone this whole time or just a little bit here and there?
  • Find a friend you can talk to and express your thoughts and frustrations. Sometimes it can help to get things put into perspective from an outside source.

Problem: You’re Not Looking In the Right Places

We already touched on the solution to this reason why you might not be able to get a girlfriend. If you keep looking in the same places without any luck, things aren’t just going to magically change. What we’d highly encourage you to do is check out one of the online dating sites we recommended. For your convenience, here’s the list again of our favorites.

RankSiteFree Trial Link 
#1ZooskFree Trial
#2eHarmonyFree Trial
#3The LeagueFree Trial
#4JdateFree Trial
#5Christian MingleFree Trial

Problem: You’re Not Being Realistic

Take some time for self-inventory to look at what you bring to the table in a relationship. Again, we’re not saying that we believe in classes or leagues, but the rest of society might. Where this really gets important is when you look at what you’re looking for versus what your life says you’re looking for.

Are you looking for a serious relationship with a girl who has it all together but you’re out at the bar four nights a week getting hammered? Do you want a driven woman with a career as your gf but all you do is sit at home and play video games all day? (Nothing wrong with video games, but the key component here is moderation).

Make sure that you’re living the kind of life that the ideal gf you’re looking for would be interested in. Would the girl you’re looking for be interested in dating the person you are?

Problem: You’re Too Desperate (And It Shows)

This is probably the toughest reason to correct as to why you can’t get a girlfriend because it involves digging deep inside. It all comes down to confidence and self-love. If you don’t think that you have much worth, then you’re going to be desperate for anyone that can give you attention and try and fill that gap.

We’re not going to try and fix all of this today, but we do want to give you a few tips to point you in the right direction.

  • Start by being happy with yourself. If you feel like you NEED a girlfriend, you’re not there yet. But when you get to the point where you just WANT a girlfriend but you’re genuinely happy on your own without one (and not just saying you are), the desperation will be gone.
  • Don’t fake it till you make it. This is often given as advice and it’s just bad advice. If you’re not in an emotionally strong enough place to be happy with yourself alone, there’s no reason you should be dating. Work on you first, and the rest will come.

Problem: You’re Not Taking Care of Yourself

Coming off the toughest issue to fix as to why you can’t get a girlfriend, we move to the easiest one. The best way to fix not taking care of yourself is to start taking care of yourself! Keep in mind this isn’t going to be some crazy or grandiose gesture. Literally, all you have to do is make the same small right steps over and over again until they’re habits.

  1. Identify what you aren’t doing and should be doing.
  2. Make a list of these things.
  3. Make an individual plan for each item on how you’re going to start doing it.
  4. Start doing it!

The Bottom Line

The most important takeaway here is that there is nothing wrong with you if you’re having trouble finding a girlfriend. Are there things you can be doing to increase your chances? Most likely, yes! And if you identified some of those things today, great! Don’t get mad that you weren’t doing them. Look at this as a great opportunity to enact some positive changes in your life and start increasing your chances of finding that special lady.



Written By: Jason Lee

Jason Lee is a data analyst with a passion for studying online dating, relationships, personal growth, healthcare, and finance. In 2008, Jason earned a Bachelors of Science from the University of Florida, where he studied business and finance and taught interpersonal communication.

His work has been featured in the likes of The USA Today, MSN, The Motley Fool, Net Health, and The Simple Dollar. As a business owner, relationship strategist, dating coach, and officer in the U.S. military, Jason enjoys sharing his unique knowledge base with the rest of the world.