We all know that special feeling. You finally get a response or a first message from that special someone who’s profile you’ve been drooling over for days or weeks. Yes, we’re talking about online dating and that feeling when things start to go right. But then, all of a sudden things seem to take a bit of a turn. Maybe they start to seem a little distant or the messages change or they’re just not being themselves? Are they just going through a funk or is your online date blowing you off?
What we want to talk about today are a few quick ways that you can diagnose whether or not your date is blowing you off or if there is just something going on in their life. It can be easy to dismiss everything they do as “just a funk” or “something else” when we really want things to work out. But, if they’re actually blowing you off and not doing it like an adult, you need to save yourself and walk away before you waste anymore time or get yourself hurt.
We’ll also tell you exactly what you should do in the instance that you suspect your online date is blowing you off.
Warning Signs Your Date is Blowing You Off and What They Mean
Let’s take a look at each of the signs that could indicate your online date is blowing you off one by one. We’ll talk about what each one looks like, what could be causing it, and whether or not it is cause for concern. Most likely it’s going to be multiple things from this list that happen at the same time when they’re actually blowing you off. If it’s only one or just part of one, there’s a better chance that they just have something going on in their life. But, we’ll cover all of that in more detail in each of the signs below.
Also, make sure you read our tips section at the end where we talk about the best way to properly use what you learn today. We want to make sure that we don’t send you out thinking someone is blowing you off when they’re not or send you out thinking someone is just going through something when it really is time to kick them to the curb.
They’re responding to your messages slower.
This is always pretty frustrating. At first, they are responding to your messages with lightning quickness and then all of a sudden it’s a day between messages…then two days…and then sometimes longer. Here’s the deal with this warning sign. If it is a one-off thing and then they return to their normal speed, we wouldn’t worry about it at all. Everyone has a life, and until you solidify a special place in theirs (which you won’t while you’re just chatting online), they are going to have other things that take priority. Don’t get mad at them for this.
But, if things start to slow down and continue to slow down, you may be getting blown off. If it’s one of those situations that goes from one day, to two days, to three days, to a week, and so on between messages, you are most likely getting blown off by someone who doesn’t have the courage to tell you the truth. But, if it’s something where for the first week they are quick to respond, and then it starts to take a couple days with every message, they may have just gotten a little busier.
If either of these situations happen, here’s what you can do. Send them this exact message. Make sure it’s after you’ve been talking for a few weeks, though, or you’ll seem a little crazy-sauce.
Hey! I just wanted to ask you something real quick and sorry if I sound like a weirdo, I just like being forward about things. I noticed you’ve gotten a lot slower responding to messages which is totally cool if you’ve gotten busy. I just wanted to make sure you’re still interested in getting to know each other. I’m patient, but I just want to make sure I’m not being patient for no reason.
Okay, it doesn’t have to be exactly that, but something to that tune. Basically, ask them politely if they are trying to politely blow you off or if they just got busy.
Their message responses are significantly shorter than usual.
One of the biggest tell-tale signs that your online date is blowing you off is when the length of their messages changes significantly. If they used to send you longer messages with detailed and thoughtful answers but have suddenly switched to only sending you a few words, you’ve probably got a problem. Even if they aren’t trying to blow you off, they’re no longer putting in the effort into the process that you deserve which is really just as bad.
Again, if this is just a one-off type thing, don’t worry about it. Also, make sure that YOU are sending them quality messages. Don’t expect them to reciprocate exact word counts especially if you’re sending them a novel, but at least expect to get some sort of quality back.
Remember, we’re talking about a CHANGE in their response pattern here. If they always send short messages, they might just be really bad at online dating or aren’t interested from the start. We’re talking about people that start off sending high-quality messages and suddenly start sending short answers that sound like they’re way too busy to be bothered. If you suspect this is happening, it probably is.
They’re suddenly avoiding wanting to set up an in-person date.
The point of online dating is to eventually meet the person you’re talking to in person. If that’s not your goal, then you need to stop wasting everyone else’s time. We’d say the same to everyone else, so don’t be upset. We’re just here to tell it like it is.
There are two scenarios we want to distinguish between here. First, if the person you are talking to online is always avoiding meeting up in person, then they are just wasting your time. You need to tell them you’d like to meet up or else you’re going to move on to someone else. Now, again, make sure that you give them adequate time to fit something into their schedule and be accommodating if they are busy. But, don’t take excuses for ages. If it’s been a few weeks and they can’t make time for you, then it’s time to give them the ultimatum. Nicely, of course…
The second scenario is someone who is gung-ho about meeting up, and then all of a sudden is too busy or always has things coming up. When this happens, your date is either trying to blow you off or is playing you. They may be trying to get rid of you because they found someone else or they may be trying to keep you on the back burner to see if things work out with someone else. If you’re okay with being someone’s plan b, then go for it. But, if you have any sort of self-respect, you’ll give them the ultimatum or tell them to kick rocks (which is redneck speak for go away).
There’s a significant change in their tone or flirty-ness.
This is one that you’re certainly going to feel when it happens. If all of their messages start out flirty and playful and suddenly turn to feel like you’re talking to a high school guidance counselor or someone who works at the DMV, then your date is probably trying to blow you off.
There’s really no way for us to put into words what this will look like because every situation will be different. But, you’re really looking for a big change in their tone and the way they are messaging and responding with you. If you feel like there’s a big change away from flirty-ness and fun, then you have a problem. If there is a big change TOWARDS flirty-ness and fun, then you’ve hit the jackpot, and things are going well!
Tips to Properly Analyze These Warning Signs
We wanted to give you a few tips to make sure that you’re using these warning signs properly. If you misuse the above information, you’re going to get yourself into a potentially bad situation. But, these tips should help you to properly analyze your situation and see if your online date is blowing you off or not.
Look for More than One Sign
If you can find more than one indicator of whether or not they are blowing you off, that’s always going to be way better. Are they taking a lot longer to respond, but their messages are still long and high quality? If so, they probably aren’t blowing you off. But, if their messages are taking forever and are suddenly no longer flirtatious, then you’re probably getting blown off.
One indicator can still mean that your date is blowing you off, but two can help you to be a lot surer about things. We’ll discuss the best way to be sure, though, in the ‘What You Should Do About It” section below.
Stop Making Excuses for Them
You should always be understanding when it comes to online dating, but you should not let yourself become a doormat that people walk all over. If they have a good reason for looking like they’re blowing you off, then that’s awesome. You should respect and understand that. But, if they are constantly making excuse after excuse and it starts to get habitual, it might be time to move onto someone else who actually wants to be with you.
Look for a Pattern and Not Just a One-Off Event
You HAVE to be on the lookout for patterns and not just one-time events. For example, if your potential date sends you messages back every two or three days and then all of a sudden takes a week to message you back, relax. Things happen, and not everyone can stay on a strict responding schedule. But, if the next message is a week and a half later and then a week and a half again and then two weeks, you are starting to see a pattern and need to get to the bottom of it.
How do you get to the bottom of it? Check out our next section where we will break down what to do when you suspect your online date is blowing you off.
Don’t Jump to This All Right Away
If any of you are in the first week or two of talking to someone, you need to give things more time. Wait until at least the end of the second week or the beginning of the third week to start looking for things like this. If you’re jumping on people for not responding quick enough in the first week you’re talking, you’re going to turn them off. You’ll look desperate instead of like someone who like to be forward and communicate openly. Allow things to happen a little bit before you jump to any conclusions.
What You Should Do About It
If they’re just going through something…
In the instance that the person has just gotten a little busier or has something going on, you should be willing to be patient and allow them to handle their business. If that “something” is seeing how things work out with someone else, then you should move on right away. Do not let yourself be someone’s plan B. If it’s something that is going to be long-term, decide if it is something that you are willing to wait around for. If it is, that’s okay, and if it’s not, that’s also okay.
The decision is 100% yours. But, remember the cliché phrase that there are plenty of fish in the sea. It’s cliché, but it’s true. You don’t have to sit around waiting for someone you just met online unless you really want to. Our recommendation is to keep them on the back burner and keep looking around, but don’t shut yourself off from finding something new out there. You never know how long they are going to be (unless they tell you).
If you think your online date might be blowing you off…
Communicate this to them. Don’t just assume they are blowing you off or start making excuses for them. If you’ve seen some of the warning signs and they meet the criteria we discussed in the tips section, you need to ask them what’s going on. You don’t have to use the term “blowing you off” or anything harsh like that. But, you do need to directly ask them if they are still interested.
If they are still interested, you can ask them what’s going on and look for an answer. Even though they say they’re still interested, they need to show you the respect and time investment that you are showing to them. There will be times that things are happening that are temporary and will pass soon. In those situations, you can be patient if you like them and think they are worth it. But, you’re never going to know this is the case unless you communicate to them that you feel like something has changed.
If you know your online date is actually blowing you off…
Move on! Don’t waste one more second on them. If they can’t even give you the courtesy of telling you they’re not interested anymore, they don’t deserve another second of your time. Start looking for someone else who is going to treat you the way you deserve and is actually going to want to be with you. There are plenty of amazing people out there on the dating site you’re on or on any one of the other top dating apps out there.
You have to put you first. Realize your time is precious and move on to finding who you deserve.
Written By: Jason Lee
Jason Lee is a data analyst with a passion for studying online dating, relationships, personal growth, healthcare, and finance. In 2008, Jason earned a Bachelors of Science from the University of Florida, where he studied business and finance and taught interpersonal communication.
His work has been featured in the likes of The USA Today, MSN, The Motley Fool, Net Health, and The Simple Dollar. As a business owner, relationship strategist, dating coach, and officer in the U.S. military, Jason enjoys sharing his unique knowledge base with the rest of the world.